


FEEL SOMETHING

by Laeana



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: 2018 era, Angst and Feels, Complicated Relationships, Denial of Feelings, Donation box, Feelings Realization, Friendship/Love, M/M, Problems, Sharing, Stolen Moments, Team Dynamics, learning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-15 17:14:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29562417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laeana/pseuds/Laeana
Summary: Max is born without emotions.That never bothered him because racing always gave him the feeling of being normal.Because his dad told him he didn't need feelings to race.Everything changes when he meets Daniel.
Relationships: Daniel Ricciardo/Max Verstappen
Kudos: 38





	FEEL SOMETHING

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [and he gave me everything he could](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24391681) by [Laeana](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laeana/pseuds/Laeana). 



> Using the prompt : "You are born without emotions; to compensate this, you started a donation box where people could donate their unwanted emotions. You've lived a life filled with sadness, fear and regret until one day, someone donates happiness."
> 
> (feel something - Jaymes Young)

Not feeling any emotion can be quite strange in itself. It all started when he was born, he wasn't even crying and that was in itself, not appalling. But when he started showing no joy, anger or sadness, his parents got worried.

Max saw a number of specialists and all of them came to the simple conclusion that he was empty of feelings. That was it, that was the whole problem.

He read books and books and books about what it was like to feel something, to be normal. He didn't know any of this. His father was harsh with him, offering him a kind of cold anger, threats ... that didn't do anything to him.

He didn't know what fear was after all.

He didn't need that to drive and to become a pilot either. Which he would definitely do years later.

It was his mother who gave him the idea of opening a donation box. It wasn't a bad idea and very soon he got a glimpse of the darkest emotions in human life. Regrets, sadness, anger, jealousy, fear ...

Fear was the most terrible of it all.

He would have preferred not to know fear.

This is what his father inspired him too often.

From time to time, his mother offered him a little love and he closed his eyes, invaded by a soft warmth that never lasted. It never lasted but the few moments he could have it … there were his favorites.

He grew up having a hole in him that begged to be filled. It was never enough, he always needed more. He grew up disillusioned, taking care of emotions that no one wanted.

Racing always makes him feel like he's getting closer to normal. He seems to feel a little more alive, to feel something. There are so many emotions around him, excitement, nervousness, stress, adrenaline ...

Max lives in half-hearted, has a smile tailored for the cameras. Some think him arrogant, others unfriendly, he doesn't tell them it's just that he doesn't feel anything. He doesn't deny the rumors about him because he doesn't care. He can’t care enough.

He doesn’t always feel sadness or pain so he tolerates loneliness well. He devours what is given to him with insatiability. No matter how bad it is, he needs to feel something. He needs it.

Everything changes when he becomes a pilot for Redbull. He is still young, so, so young, but above all he becomes Daniel's teammate. It's ... varied. The first time he's this close to someone and it scares him, if he can mention that feeling.

Because it’s not the kind of fear his dad made him feel. It’s very different from anything he had until there.

It's far from everything he would have expected.

The season is going well. He exceeds his expectations. Some. Daniel's presence is pleasant. He does his best to appear as normal as possible, doesn’t tell his friend about his problems.

After all, when he wins, he has real palpitations in his chest, a phantom sensation of joy. A smile falls on his lips almost naturally so everything is fine. Everything is still going well.

Her mother still regularly inquires about his condition. If she doesn't come to see him, she tries to call him at least once during the weekend. If possible with his sister too.

In Malaysia, before the race, he had to slip away when he saw her name appear on his phone. He isolates himself as much as possible. He answers his questions habitually. It’s their habit, he can take it as a good luck charm.

"Yes, I know, Mom. I'll be careful."

Max rearranges his position, wriggling a bit. The ground is hard and cold but he is happy with it for the moment.

"I know. I ... racing always made me feel like I was normal, that's all. To feel something."

The worry in her voice doesn't go away.

"Having no emotions doesn't mean my life is that bland. I'm not to be pitied."

He bites his lip absently.

"Yes, thank you, mom. I love you too."

He hangs up with a sigh. The phone in his hand is almost too heavy. He stretches, preparing to retrace his steps, return to the paddock. But Daniel is in the passage, frozen. He blinks. Wait. Did he hear his conversation ? This can’t be, right ?

"Daniel ?"

"So it was true. You don't feel anything ..."

He can't come up with a tangible excuse so he just shrugs. What can he do anyway ? His teammate walks up to him and puts his hand on his cheek gently, frowning.

"I'm sorry, I … I have a hard time realizing what that means."

"I don't see why you're apologizing. I've felt things before. I have ... a donation box. I know what regrets, sadness, fear are ..."

The older man shakes his head, not seeming to appreciate what he hears. Even if it’s the truth. It’s the world he’s living in. It’s how he sees the world. 

"You were looking for me, by the way ?"

"Yes, a debrief is going to start, we should go back."

They don't talk about it again.

Maybe that’s for the best.

And after the race begins. The feelings all around him are strong, very strong. He manages to come second and Daniel is first. They are on the podium together and it brings a smile to his lips.

A feeling of heat, almost a burn, marks his chest as they celebrate, which he drinks from his teammate's shoe. His smile is truer, a laugh passes his lips and he feels good. It's strange. It’s so strange for him. This isn’t like usual, this almost burns him.

It doesn't take long for him to realize that this is happiness.

Daniel's happiness.

Daniel has just offered him his own happiness.

Unlike anything he ever thought he was feeling. Very different. Everything before seems bland in comparison. And it almost hurts to feel his heart beating so hard.

This feeling doesn't go away right away and when they get back to the hotel together, his fire slowly subsiding. Max is almost disappointed at the idea of becoming empty again and decides to thank the Australian as long as he has some of this joy, so new to him.

"Thanks, Dan. Thanks for sharing this moment with me."

His interlocutor gives him a sidelong glance. Under the flickering neon lights of the hotel, his eyes glint gold, his curls still messy, a little sweaty. He is magnificent. He is always beautiful and it doesn’t know why it hits him so hard in the face right now.

"Mmh. I felt in a charitable mood."

He would do a lot to make this emotion last. It's almost unfair to feel it now. He is eternal dissatisfied. The hole in his chest never seems to be able to close. Now that he had a taste of it, he doesn’t want it to get away. 

Their daily life is simple and, from time to time, Daniel shares a piece of his happiness with him and he feels it with a different pleasure each time. The same, the same feelings projected into him. His heart is beating harder. Always harder each time.

He is a sponge who takes whatever is offered to him. What everyone lets show through a little too long.

Daniel's joy is the best feeling he has ever recovered.

The other feelings, ways of being of his teammate, he would like to do without. He feels them violently. Painfully. He thinks it’s painful but is never sure. He can’t really know.

Azerbaijan.

Complicated.

Then the announcement of Daniel's departure and he doesn’t know how to position himself in relation to this news. He doesn't know what to do with this information, with the feelings he received. Battling around in his head and in his chest. Tears roll down his cheeks and it's probably sadness. The end of an era.

Losing all those moments that made him feel privileged. His teammate accuses him of only loving him because he shares his feelings with him and he is afraid that is true. He is afraid that his greed, that his hunger has made him ruin his relationship with one of the best people he has ever met. 

Maybe he should have tried to behave another way. 

But it’s hard when he’s not even aware of what it means and of how he can act differently.

He wishes he was normal.

He wished he wasn’t like that.

The year ends with great fanfare. Almost bland celebrations and he remains cordial. Although his image of cordiality is distorted. Max does his best, as he often does. He does his best, even if sometimes it’s not enough. But he tries, he tries really hard.

"Don't give me that fake smile" sighs his, now former, teammate softly. "You don't have to do this."

The mask falls, a horribly neutral air appears at first. Before that it becomes something more marked. Sadness.

"Don't look at me like that, you're just … reflecting my own feelings. You're not sad that I'm leaving."

He's not as sure as he is. He’s not sure it’s entirely his. It became a bit of his own. He wants to tell him that if he tends to feel these unwanted emotions in others, he has ingested so many of them that he can consider them his own. His stomach is tied. No word crosses his lips. It’s too hard for him.

"Come on, it's not final, we'll always see each other again, Maxy."

He nods but it's not ... well, if the Australian looked a little further, he would understand by himself that it's really not his emotions that are reflected in him. In fact, it can’t be so. 

He loses someone priceless and no matter what is said to him, nothing will ever be the same again.

"You're right. We spent some good years together, I hope to stay by your side for a while longer."

Daniel pauses for a moment, a short moment, and looks him in the eye, looking for something, before pulling back, shaking his head.

"Let's enjoy the evening."

They return to the crowded room. Everything ends, nothing is the same. These same two observations which turn in a loop in his head and which does not leave him. He doesn’t quite want it to leave him.

Important changes, a new year. And it seems a little more natural to act right, when he's known so much, when they’ve given him so much.

Max owes him a lot.

It's complicated, Daniel is far away and he still hopes to see him, he misses his presence. Of course, it was never just a matter of feelings. From a donation box, a void to fill.

It can't be just that.

He refuses it to be just that. 

He still needs time to realize where he got such obstinacy, such desire, such lack. Brazil is providing him with the necessary answers, indirectly. 

Happiness emanates from Pierre in filaments. He can feel it from where he is. He may feel overwhelmed by this same sensation. To be honest, he can say he's happy for him, the best he can be. And he always tries his very best.

They share a podium together. He is on the highest step. He just smiles. The warmth in his chest is soothing but it's not ... it's not suffocating. It’s not surprisingly enough. It’s so different.

He doesn’t understand.

The podium finished, he isolates himself. Back to the hotel room, empty, so empty, and memories pass before his eyes. Moments that passed too quickly, that he lost. Moments that will never come back. When he and Daniel shared a room, those evenings they had ...

That arm that was wrapped around his shoulders, that laugh that reached his ears and to which he answered, those meals taken together, those moments of complicity stealthily, everywhere and nowhere.

The beating of his heart ...

Max drops to the ground, curls his legs against his chest, head in his arms, and takes a deep breath. Step by step. He is hurt. He's in real pain. Tears roll down his cheeks and he wipes them away without understanding. But they don't stop.

Why don’t they  _ stop  _ ? He feels overwhelmed, like an overdose of sadness. He has never known such a wreck, such a disaster, such a pain.

Sobs pass his lips and he suddenly feels so tired. This expectation that shone in Daniel's eyes. This strange feeling. He thinks he's seeing for the first time. Did he hide from it ?

He couldn't ... he didn't ... are these feelings his, are they really his ? Uncertainty devours him but ...

Understanding this hurts him and for the first time in his life he wishes he had never known those feelings. Max wishes he had remained empty.

Something he never really knew from others, that no one bothered to teach him, that his father would never have given him. Who is foreign to his heart and ...

And ... oh.

It was ...

From the start what he received and what he felt.

What Daniel offered him, mixed with this euphoria.

What he has made become his.

It was love.

**Author's Note:**

> Was a very interesting idea and concept, I loved that very much. It was taken out of Lunar Pastime, I have had fun while translating it, hope you liked it too.
> 
> tumblr : laeana


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